Anarchy Sucks

Look, I am not the smartest person in the world.  

In fact, I would venture to guess, that I’m really not all that smart at all in the scheme of things.

I have met really smart people- Brilliant people. I am not those people.

My strengths lie in tenacity, and resilience. In short I’m not smart enough to know when to quit.

My current class is total fucking Chaos. I’ve tried to keep my cool, I’m working the material, I like the material, but the class is chaos.

People come and go the entire class, cell phones, tape recorders, god knows what else is going on it’s nuts. All along I tell myself it’s okay, because I’m working the material, and focus on my studying and get through this. It’s a fucking accounting class. I’m not an accountant.

Last night we had a group case study at the end of class. Groups were random, and I kinda got swarmed by the folks around me. I ended up in a group made up of perfect penmanship, pony boy and muttering man. I’m not saying that I was the intellectual anchor of our team:

BECAUSE I SHOULD NEVER BE THE INTELLECUAL ANCHOR OF ANY TEAM- ESPECIALLY IN AN ACCOUNTING CLASS!

As there were 10 groups of 3 and 4, the class was really loud. It was, and I’m not using this term too liberally- Total Fucking Anarchy.

We worked the case, 20 questions in all. I’m not even 100% sure what we answered and turned in. I’m disappointed in myself because the entire time I sat there thinking I would rather do this by myself. I wallowed as muttering man, would mutter out something unintelligible and then go back to reading the exercise, but frankly I’m not sure he answered any questions. I just sat there thinking, “I have watched pony boy walk in and out of this class 3x, and show up 15 minutes late, I’m supposed to trust when he wants to take a stand on an answer?”

Look, I'm sure mumbles, perfect penmanship, pony boy had the same reaction, only it was "fuck, I'm with creepy weirdo sideburns man." So this really isn't about them,  no disrespect intended. I just hate group projects, and a group case was just mean spirited. 

I should have stepped back. I should have kept my cool. I should have been a leader, pulled the group out of the chaotic noisy class, and given myself a chance to think. Frankly, I should have answered the questions, and just driven the project. Instead, I answered, I negotiated, I wallowed, I felt rushed trying to verify, and confirm answers, and I felt defeated and deflated. Fuck me.

I like the professor. I like how she breaks down the concepts, but she allows, hell I think she encourages a pretty freakin’ chaotic classroom. I don’t like that. I didn’t enjoy this exercise, and I’m pretty sure my grade is going to suck ass.  I get group work is important, but this sucked.

First exam is Thursday Night. All I can do is focus on that exam, and do well. Focus on the larger Group Project that I am teamed with folks I know and trust from a previous class. And I have to get through the next 5 weeks. I’ll admit I’m in a little bit over my head right now. It’s a little scary.

When I was 14 I can remember drawing the old anarchy sign on everything. Being an angry skater-boy, we drew that shit on everything. Anarchy man, it will be cool.

At 41, experiencing some anarchy lately let me say this: Anarchy sucks. I want to kick my 14 year old self in the nuts.

respect

vanderbacon