Thankfully I was blessed with great parents, and suffered none of the gut wrenching abuses that Bill faced. However, there were a couple of passages that he wrote that I felt like really hit home for me.
the first was this:
“He was some kind of engineer, built lasers or computer chips or something I couldn't understand, had a doctorate, and knew a lot. Naturally gifted athlete- he would have been one of the best if he rode as much as I did... Since I had gotten to know him there were a couple of times when I wanted to ask him that if someone like him- a normal, great guy, with an important job, and a pretty wife, a cute daughter, ever felt like I did almost everyday, as if you had to concentrate your entire being on hanging on, on staying sticky, not to win but to just avoid losing everything."
Now I know that he was talking about more than just cycling. There was definitely a time in Diane and my life where we applied the cardboard box theory of economics. Meaning, that every economic decision we made was based on the fact that failure meant we'd be living in a card board box in a matter of days.
Thankfully, that motivation, that fear of failure drove us to be in a much better place now, but I really related to that feeling that everything we did could be the ultimate unraveling of our lives.
I know that we continue to work hard and not take things for granted, because even now, 17 years in, nothing is guaranteed.
From a cycling perspective it also landed hard on me. I thought about the "normal" guys I get to ride with, how incredible they are. I am sometimes envious of those guys. I look at them and how they have so much balance in their lives, while I feel like it takes such concentration, such focus to be able to stay in the pack, or ride with my friends, to stay in this game.
I focus on how much I eat, my bike set up, how much I'm riding. I am obsessive by nature, I get that, it's who I am, but I often wonder what it would be like to be normal. Just show up for the ride, and ride, and not have to worry about calories, and how many beers I had.
What does a balanced life would look like. Maybe I'd see my family more? Look, I'm not complaining, I love my wife, I love my life- but Diane and I have often discussed whether or not we'd even be able to be happy with a more balanced, more normal life. Hell, we aren't even racing this spring, but our lives are filled with trying to squeeze rides in, watching or caloric in take, all so we can ride well in the fall.
the second passage that hit me was this one:
"there are all kinds of riders... the roleurs the tough cyclists who can turn the pedals at high speeds for miles and miles without cracking. There are the grimpeurs, the angels of the mountains, who fly up leg breaking slopes. There are the flahutes, who excel in mud and cobbles and cold. There are domestiques, whose sole job is to protect their leaders. Rarest of all are the campionissimo, the champions among champions- the immortals. I was the least glorious, the least noble, silliest named bike racer of them all. I was sticky. My only talent on a bike: I was hard to get rid of. Always there, never first. Great teammates, terrible leaders. We were tenacious failures... It means I'm not a winner- I'm not built to win, I'm built not to lose..."
That rang pretty hard with me. It reminded me of conversations I have had with
Wes about knowing how to win a race, and that I didn't know how. I thought about Charm City, where I was winning but felt like fate was going to give me a giant wedgie at any moment, and relagate me to a finishing position in line with my ablity. 
I thought about talking to Kurtee about having that killer instinct, about knowing when to attack, and racing to win.Racing to win? What does that mean? I don't know that I've ever done that. Yup, over the 15 years or so of racing I have picked up a few wins, but they kinda just happened, I don't remember a point where I said, I'm going to win now.
"built not to lose" I thought about my best races ever, both where I flatted and battled from the back to get a podium spot. I have said to Diane, “I wonder how I would felt about those races if I didn't have to fight from DFL? or I didn't have to come back"
She encouraged me to build up tubulars for the simple reason, "that you gave away two maybe three races that you could have won, but you flatted instead..."
I know myself, I don't have a drive to be the best, but I want to be amongst them, I want to make their lives tough. I am a tenacious failure. Sometimes I think I like the fight more than the few wins that I have had.. Sometimes, I realize that for me, the racing isn't really about trying to win at all...
Maybe I need therapy…
Anyway, really good book. I recommend reading it. It made me very grateful for my parents, and my life, and was interesting to hear another guy who felt like he had to live it, breathe it everyday just to stay in the pack... that was cool.
These guys are cool.
respect.
faticus
13 comments:
Anytime you doubt yourself your
ability remember Davis. You were
out for hours, never knew if for
sure you were lost/hurt, no way for
anyone to really find you. Then you appear, throwing your guts ups.
Not many could have even done or finished that ride - you not only
finished it you won it! You may
not always finish where you want but it's never for lact of trying. Do we sometimes think your nuts - yes - but that's what
makes you who you are and your
desire to always get back on your
bike.
I don't believe anyone who is truly tenacious can possibly be a failure.
That guy forgot a category..the underdog ! Never underestimate the potential of yourself, life can be full of surprises.
Therapy ? isn't that what blogs are for ?
yo,
After Hebe's race this year, I stayed at his house. Some other dude's were staying there too. Matt White was one of them. He is mad fast, beat me by like 6 minutes that day.
He had never seen the breakfast club.
"you know.. john hughes....all the coming of age 80's movies?"
"No... never heard of him..." he was totally serious. weird.
could I exchange all of my TV / Reading time to be the fast guy? Would it be worth it?
IMHO, "balanced" and "normal" don't exist. We all struggle somewhere. We all have to fight for something. That is what makes life beautiful. Otherwise, we might as well just curl up and die.
fattie--i feel you.
steevie--mattie is one of the most balanced peeps i know. what is balanced for one is not the same as balanced for another. or, i'm just an overprotective maternal friend. . .but we all know that don't we?
xo
m
I was willing to offer to trade lives/set-ups/deals for a few days or weeks with you...
then realized:
I'D be getting motivation, determination and drive.
and YOU'D be getting the shaft.
haaaaaaaahahahahaha
eff balance. I focus REAL hard on being a whining, crying, complaining pain in the ass.
...nobody can say we aren't good at what we do.
Nice post Marc. I think we all have those struggles with our riding/racing/family/obsession. No therapy needed Just embrace the obsession and the passion.
Good post, but the part I am struggling with is seeing you at Leesburg, not really racing, eating brownies and ice cream with Tom . . . . ain't gonna happen. You will be at least 105% dude, you know it and so do we.
Cycling is part of the life balance you got going on there. As great as my life has been the last 18 months, racing and at times cycling was not there and I was unbalanced. Cycling 6 days a week again has helped restore balance.
Interesting points. Knowing how to win is a weird thing. I knew how to win in rugby. It was so simple, so visceral. After I came to know the game, I knew what would happen next, and in the years when my fitness aligned well with my knowledge, I could get there ahead of the play, make a killer tackle, scoop up a loose ball and run it in for a score before anybody knew it was loose,I could make things happen. It took about five or seven years of serious playing on good teams, around extremely tough, driven players, to figure it all out. Once I knew, however, the game was easy in a lot of respects.
In roadracing, it's a bit different. I can usually tell when a break is about to go, when it has no chance or when the rest of us need to go. There is a rhythm to it that is similar to rugby, a pack wanes and waxes, and a smart racer attacks when the pack is hurting at its worst; these moments are predictable, you can look around after a break is reeled in, nobody is smiling, everybody is grinding, some are shaking or gasping - an attack should go up the road real hard right then - kind of like a redzone rush off-tackle. Though it is taking a while to learn how to race to win, roadracing is the reverse of my rugby experiences. There it took several years to learn the game but I was always fit. Here, the game is simple, achieving the winning fitness, at least for me at my old fat age, much harder - that's one that may take a few more years.
I think you make a mistake to think about your life as having to achieve an end-state. "I'm balanced now... finis!" It doesn't seem to work that way, it's more of a process of f***ing up a little bit less from day to day, week-to-week and year-to-year. Consider juggling. You never really finish learning to juggle, but if you get good, you can keep up a lot of balls, or weird things like bowling balls and sabers. You can call yourself a juggler, but all it means is that you have a set of skills and you fall somewhere on the continuum. Yeah, it would be cool to be able to learn to juggle running chainsaws but for right now I'll settle for getting a third and fourth tennis ball into steady rotation.
"Balance" is an illusion. What is seen as balance by most is a realization of contentment with the way life is going. That can be at anytime, even during the "cardboard box" (I am stealing that phrase) days. It's when you know that no-matter what is going on in life you can handle it and rise above it. Some of us spend our whole life trying to come to terms with that. Some people may never find it, especially if they are always wondering what if. The ones that do realize that "it is what it is, and I'm OK with that."
As far as you not being dedicated, B.S!!!!!! You know how to win, especially in the most important race of all, life. You've never quit and I don't think you would know how to. That's why you are so respected and admired, everyone who knows you, can say no wrong about you.You make one of the best examples of determination I think I have seen or read about. (Now if only a few of us can learn that determination.)
Great post--really well said. I've always told people that this here racing thing is about working hard just to suck--and somehow we keep on coming back for second helpings.
Thanks for expressing the essence of what we do in an entertaining way...
Johnny
I have to take issue with your notion of not knowing how to win. Look at your 24 hour race record (including 18 hour races and such).......you didn't simply fall onto the podium nor did anybody carry you there.
Andrew
dr Doom: I just saw Fort James posts about eating brownies with Tom at Bakers Dozen..i am there for sure !!
So I bought this book and started reading it (on train to work). I am at the part his dad makes him race against the neighbors killer poodle... I feel like my childhood was storybook compared to the author.
anyways thanks for book recommendation.
magneto out.
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