chapter 42: serious ass problems

Perhaps some of you have noticed these pictures. You know the ones with me racing in Visit Pa team shorts. Well before Kuhn Dog chokes or spits his coffee all over his computer with the though of me as a member of the Visit Pa team, let me explain. I have not been lured away from the Spot Brand/Twin Six Army. However, very thankfully Wes the conqueror lent me his extra shorts so that I could double bag my ass for my last lap.

It all started 2 weeks ago at the 6 hour race at Susquehanna. I did the race, it was hot I sweated my ass off, and I got some kind of monkey butt going on. It was a nasty rash that I figure was the result of a hot (tempature) sweaty ass, wrapped in Lycra for 6 hours straight. I stayed off it for a couple of days, and alas the ass was in good shape.

Last weekend, we again had warm weather and humid conditions, this coupled with the fact that I did not shower between my 2-4 laps. I figured I’m dirty, it’s hot, let’s roll. Well, I got a case of monkey butt that almost made me cry. At the end of my 5th lap, my slowest coincidently I could barely sit down. I asked Diane to take a look, I dropped trough only to hear her exclaim, “OH MY GOD. WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?”

Let me start by saying that I don’t have an attractive ass to start with. It’s hairy like a furry muskrat, and also has some nasty pock marks, and really is not all pretty. My ass is shameful, I know it. Now coupled with the Monkey butt that I developed it was even worse, so bad that my wife, who is used to seeing my wool shorted, furry muskrat ass, exclaims, “OH MY GOD. WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?”

So that wasn’t really enough. When I fell asleep on the massage table, Diane felt the need to show Buddy, what I had done to my ass. He felt the need to snap a picture, which much to my surprise hasn’t shown up on his blog yet. Buddy then showed the picture of my muskrat hairy, pock covered, monkey butted ass to the rest of our compound. Groans, and screams could be heard for miles around.

So as it turns out, I had one lap to go, I had trouble sitting on camping chair, I knew I was gonna suffer sitting on a flite saddle for another 45 minutes or so. I loaded up the chamois with ass master chamois cream, Paul recommended that I use some EMU oil, which I did, Wes offered me a second pair of shorts, because, “I don’t know if it will help but double bagging can’t hurt.” Les off to the side, and on the down low says to me, “man, are you gonna be okay to do your last lap?”

In the end, I loaded up, and headed out for my last lap, the first section was the toughest, because man my butt was sore. But once I got going and got into my flow my butt, well got numb, and although I can’t say it felt better, I did turn my final lap, in 48 minutes. Which was in line with my 2-3-4 laps. So I guess the ass master/emu oiled/double bagged plan worked out after all.

The trip home was a tough one, and sitting anywhere Monday was not a pleasant experience. On the recommendation of many, I invested in Bordeaux Butt Paste, which I have been applying liberally, and has helped to alleviate my ass pain.

The best part of this is that I am scheduled for a colonoscopy on Friday. I swear my surgeon is gonna look at the bruising, the rashy and the pure ugliness of my ass and wonder if I just spent the night at Iron Hill hog tied, blind folded and naked with my ass up in the air, or maybe I took a visit to OZ maximum security prison and hung out with the welcoming committee too long.

Yikes.

respect
fm