chapter 05: vandals

Some Vandal in the night placed these signs in SpotPaul's front yard last night. Hmmm, who could have it been. And the injustice of it all, not only is this the home of SpotPaul Mid Atlantic Cyclocross Cup Master's Killer B champion, but also home of Lisa Lisa who has collected a stars and bars this year, a MABRA Cross Championship, as well as the 35+ MAC championship. That's a pretty impressive household if you ask me.




For the record both Monkey and I took 11th in our respective races last weekend. We thought that was pretty cool.

respect
fm

chapter 03: droping off the kids

On our way to Reston last weekend the DccoD (delaware cyclocross coalition of delaware) caravan stopped at a mighty fine rest top in Maryland. Much to my surprise, the men's room had these little doors on the stalls. I surmised that this was to reduce unwanted rest stop hook ups. But, then again I thought clearly that was wrong. Clearly these little doors where set up so you could more easily take pictures of your buddys while they take a crap.

In the picture below it almost looks like I'm smiling, in fact I am, no not because the start was so f-ed up, you know because I was goofin' on the line again, but because I just got a the hole shot for the second race in a row. Clearly, not my style but what the hell, I'll take it. It's brings a smile to my face that the oldest, fattest guy in the pack can get to the front, if only for 30 seconds of a 45 minutes race. Ah, yes in life it truly is the smallest victories that count.

respect

fm

chapter 15: twilight

So Saturday night I’m working a Special Olympics benefit, the Reindeer run here in Newark, De. All of the volunteers were given a set of reindeer antlers. Many of the college sorority houses were volunteers. So as I helped Dan the man, and Rock Star Henry set up the finish line and a pack of sorority sisters walked towards us with their antlers on I said:

“Hey ladies, nice racks!!”

I laughed, they didn’t. Damn I amuse myself.

Sunday we loaded up the toaster and headed to Reston. At this point I have to apologize to the

entire men’s B field for jamming up the start. You see it right after the calls up and we were on the line that I realized Ray Ray wasn’t there, and basically with a top 20 finish, I’d move into the top 10 on points. I cheered, Mayhew and I started joking about
Taking beer feeds. Everyone laughed. My hands were in the air, no one was really looking forward even.

And the official blew the whistle. We were off. Well sort of, some folks rolled forward,
Some looked around, and finally we all took off. I know I jammed up a lot of people, by, well basically being a jackass on the line, Sorry folks.

Anyway the race took off and with 3 to go I found myself in a tough group of 4 with Brewer, Dunn, and fellow DCCoDer Robby. Brewer was very powerful and in the open sections could gap the group, we could claw our way back in the technical sections, I was really aggressive cornering coming down the hill. Robby gave me a great pull up to the barriers with one and a half to go. He then faded off a bit. He is going to be a great crosser.

Next lap, Dunn , I who I felt like had a similar skill set to mine, and I attacked hard through the twisty stuff, and finally were able to get clear of Brewer. Truth be told, I did not want to sprint that guy.

Last half a lap I sat in on Dunn. I was playing strategery.
He had great lines, and we flowed really well. I was debated to try and attack early, or sit in for the sprint on the road. I jumped on the grass hill, got a little gap, he attacked back and might have caught me, but going tape to tape got caught up in the tape and I was able to slip away. I finished 11th place, which was enough to move me into the top 10 for the series, so yeah I got that going for me.

Now I admit, I really wanted a top 10 today; I may have invested a little more than I should have on the second lap. Oh, well, I rode well. 10 days now with no knee pain,
Body is feeling good; I’m pretty stoked for nationals, despite a not so great starting spot.

After the race, you could feel the love big time. Ferrari had a nice bottle of bourbon which I was happy to partake of.
Mayhew, who claimed he didn’t drink decided to have a drink with us. E-town of course partook, as well as my main man Spanky. The killer B’s are truly a great group of guys, from Morgan, to Greg and all the HVC guys, Nystrom, Miles, Harshman, everyone, awesome stuff. I am proud to race amongst them.

Susie went all out today and had a cake made up, it had this picture on it:



So of course my line was: Hey man do you want to eat me?

All in all a great day, the Fort Factory team took home the team title, Betsy took home the women’s title , Wes took home the men’s title, Lisa Lisa the 35+ women, Gunnar 45+, Spot Paul the 35+ B’s. Good stuff for the DccoD and Fort. 2 Weeks until nationals. Man, I love cross, I will hate for this to be done.

on the way home the DccoD caravan (slick rick, jen, mike c, E-town, FFA, Monkey, Rob Thomas, not the no talent ass clown from M20, Tom (BGT), and I stopped at the red brick brewing co in white marsh. They had dollar stoudts. Tasty, I ate a monte cristo, how can you miss a hot ham and cheese sandwich on french toast? you just can't.

Respect
fm

Chapter 03: Final Preparations

So after cross practice we always take the “cool down” lap around the park. There is a nice paved path and it gives us a chance to spin down a bit after our efforts, and also time to talk some shit. So Wednesday night I find myself “cooling down” in the pack surrounded by E-town, Chuck (FIL), and Erik. E-town commented on my scruffiness.

“Final Preparations” I explained, “gotta make sure the sideburns are turned up to a full
on 11 or 12 on a scale of 10 for nationals” I continued, “I might even go for the trucker ‘stache ala Rob Thomas (not the no talent ass monkey from M20).” I continued, “strong facial hair will clearly be the difference for me at Nationals this year.”

Ethan jumped right in “dude, I’ve got the appointment with the stylist just before we leave, I’m going mullet all the way. Been planning this out all fall.” E-town added, “the question is whether or not to go with racing stripes or not. I mean how strong of a mullet can it be without racing stripes?”

Erik, not to be out down by my level 12 side burns, with a possible trucker ‘stache or Ethan’s mullet and racing stripes chimes in, “I’m going Mohawk.” E-town inquires, “ euro style fauxhawk?” Erik responds, “no way man, I’m going Mohawk all the way. None of that fashionista fauxhawk stuff…”

Then Chuck (FIL) who is the elder of our little group, and has perhaps a little thinning hair on top speaks up with perfect timing, “Me I’m taking it all off on the top.” Everyone laughed. Well played.

38th. yikes. I thought that 12:02 might get me better, but I admit I know folks ahead of me who geeked out as much as I did. I think it's on the up and up. If not for that damn licence re format question. I know that jammed me. Bastards. 38th That's 3-4th row. fuck. I was second row last year. A little bit of a bummer. I can only hope for another blizzard or something now.

respect
fm

chapter 91: count down

(see, I told you.)

I always thought that cross practice got smaller because it got colder. With 60 degree temperatures and our smallest DCCoD turn out this year, I guess that was not the case.

Still we had quite the hardy group with FFA, Monkey, Papa Smurf, Chuck (FIL), The Belgian

(belgian work horse in action)

Work Horse, Dennisbike, Erik, E-town, Slick Rick, Robby, Leo, SpotPaul, and I’m sure I missed someone. The reality is that cross is damn hard, and keeping your rhythm can be very challenging. I did 12 mountain bike races from April 1st-August 18th, I’ve done 12 cross races from Sept 25-now. That speaks to the intensity of this game. Still I admit there was a great sadness that came over me as I realized that after tonight we have just 2 cross practices and 2 races left. For many Reston will end the year, for those of us brave enough, or just stupid enough, we’ll make the trek to Providence to measure our salt against the best of the nation. Either that or just be the most obnoxious group of Katie fans ever. But I digress, just 2 more practices then everyone on the DCCoD will go back to their off season endeavors, I was kinda bummed.

(Tom doing the clark kent in his car after practice. you can thank my slow camera for not getting the full moon shot)

Some will face the weekly challenges of the PWC, some will head to the woods, and as much fun as that is, it’s never the same as cross. Some guys are ready to be done, I’m not sure I am. November was horrible for me for the most part, in the past week I have finally started to ride pain free, started to feel good again, this is very encouraging for me. Is it too little, too late? I’m banking not. Although I will say my legs were pretty shitty tonight at practice.

(after a BRUTAL sunday practice, e-town in oxygen debt totally locked his keys in the car. Here the DCCoD comes to his aide. Cheers erupted as Tom sprung the door open.)

I love cross. Now if I could just get Buddy (the leg breaker), Matt (run Forest), Todd (el presidente), Les (international man of mystery, and John W. (bikeline’s Todd) to get into cross it would be perfect. Oh, btw I’m think next Tuesday when I do my Newark Night Neighborhood stomp of stopping by the Compton’s and doing a little Christmas Caroling.
I think they’d think it was funny. Anyone game?

Jan pulled the so-pro move of the year, showing up at the end of practice to see where we were going to eat. That’s so euro.

respect
fm

chapter 38: rocket from russia

I headed out to the PA states with Tom today. No, I don’t live in PA but my teammate Zach was promoting, (he was enfugeo in the B race today taking 3rd), and I wanted to keep my competitive rhythm so I rolled with Tom (papa smurf) out to the race. On the
way out I stopped and got a banana. My hands were kind full so I stuffed in my pocket.
I loaded the truck, got changed, bounced around, read emails in the truck, all with the banana, which by now I had forgotten about in my pocket. So following my race, I get
dressed, put on my pants, and feel something in my pocket. Hmmm, What could that
be? I ram my hand into my pants pocket only to find my completely smushed, smashed
and obliterated banana. That’s right I had a pocket full of banana baby and it looked kinda like this:

Please congratulate John Lux; your PA masters State Champion. Luxxy draws one of two reactions from people, “fucking dick” or “I love that guy” Although we don’t always see eye to eye politically, I admit I fall into the “I love the guy” category. You can count on John to give you the straight scoop, no spin. It’s fun to hear him complain sometimes, but you can also count on him to praise a situation when due. He cares about cross and about the scene. I appreciate his honesty and integrity. He works hard and he races hard. I was super stoked for him. I am proud to count him as a friend. Love him or Hate him, he’s a crosser to the core and I admit during our race, (I raced masters today) I was battling for around 10th, I was listening to Ken announce as Luxxy and Pflug were on the back side of the hill fighting it out, and I was probably listening to the final section more than I should have been. I kept thinking in my head, “yeah, yeah Luxxy, yeah, yeah…” If you see ole Luxy, give ‘em a high five.


This is Rob Thomas (the no talent ass clown from matchbox 20):

http://myspace.com/robthomas

This is Rob Thomas (not the no talent ass clown from matchbox 20) but the, DCCoDer, cyclocrosser extraordinaire, and great teammate:

http://myspace.com/seriouslytherealrobthomas

fucking hilarious.

I will admit under normal circumstances I might have said that today’s course had just a hair more asphalt than I like in my cross courses. I might have said that it was a little faster than my usually benefits my riding style. But I’ll also say this, that after last weeks sloth fest, it felt so good to race fast, to make a bike move with momentum, and great velocity. There is something

(hey Petey, do you happen to know what time it is?)

special about standing up out of every corner, and feeling the bike take off like a rocket. Hebe and Zack put together a fantastic loop, lots of turns, a long lap, and sections of the course where you could just roll, and carry so much speed.
I’d jump out of one corner put my head down, look up and have to dive into the next, and then jump again. It was so much fun. So fluid. Damn I needed that badly. I forgot what it was like to feel fast. I was pleased with my race. I did the master’s race today simply because it was earlier and Tom and I could get home sooner. (i.e. more couch time for me) The Carlisle fairgrounds is a great venue and the course super fun. I hope I see it again soon. BTW the old guys are really fast, really fast.

To top off a great day Diane (chunky monkey), Kathleen, Amy (FFA), and Les (international man of mystery) and I all headed out to Longwood gardens to see the lights and festivities. It was pretty damn fun. Les is a huge ice skating fan, and they had a very nice little ice skating show.

The 18 year old girl with low riders and an ass slingshot sitting in front of us was just a little distracting, but not too much. For the record I would have missed that muffin top all together if Monkey hadn’t pointed that out to me. (sorry Tab no pictures this time, I learned my lesson) The night was topped off with a fine plate of crab nachos and some drinks from the Half Moon in Kennett Square. A good time was had by all.

(white gloves muddy day, oh yeah, I'm such a pimp...)

Respect
fm

chapter 13: knight rider

Jan is a member of the DCCoD. His real name is Michael, but somewhere along the line he picked up the nick name Jan. (Yan not Jan) This may be due to the fact that Jan is German. He is really damn funny. Jan is a strong rider, who started racing cross this year, and has done quite well. I'm really glad Jan races cross, he is a great guy, and funny as hell. A new member of the DCCoD Jan was a little frustrated by the mud saturday, so much so that at one point he declared his season was over. He asked, "why would you want to come back?" I answered, "because we are crossers, this is what we do."

Saturday Night at Dinner somehow or another the topic of David Hasselholff came up.

Me: so what's the deal with David Hasselholf? Do Germans really go crazy for that guy?

Jan: Fuck David Hasselholf. I hate that fucker. that's such bullshit.

me: what do you mean?

Jan: I swear David Hasselfholf shits his pants and I get 20 emails about it.

me: what?

Jan: at work everytime something comes up in the news about David Hasselholff everyone thinks it's so funny to email it to me. That guy is an ass. His ex-wife said he was a drunk and that he shit himself, when they were getting a divorce and I swear I my email box was filled up about Hasselhoff shitting himself. Besides it's the Australians that really love him, not the Germans.

So there you have it. Australians love him, not the Germans.


Sure enough despite declaring his cross season over, Jan showed up to race Sunday. I asked him, "what gives?" to which he answered, "we are crossers, this is what we do"

If your bike was cleaned during one of the elite races Saturday or Sunday, likelyhood is that Jan helped clean it. He along with many was busting his ass in the pit to keep the bikes rolling.

Remember Jan loves cross but not Hasselholff.

Sunday I didn't suck so bad and managed to keep from swan diving into any puddles. In fact I even lead for the first 1/2 of a lap or so. Imagine that DFL and race lead all in one weekend. Pretty snazzy huh?

Thanks to everyone that worked pit for me, and cheered, and made sure I had a clean bike every lap. That was awesome.

respect
fm

chapter 95: irving the duck

So at work Friday I get a huge box delivered to me. It is addressed to of course me, and I admit I was wondering what is in this big box. I'm not expecting a delivery. I looked for the return address hoping for some clue. It read, " Biker Dude, the clog factory's address". Hmmmm. that's strange. So I open the box rather cautiously, I mean the unibomber might have turned on clog customer service mangers/cyclocrossers.

In the box I find a duck, dressed as an elf. I have no idea who has sent me this fine duck. He is very nice. And after sharing with my teammates at work with the thought that one of them might have been behind the mystery duck, I elicited only laughter and love for my new duck.
Alas no ducker in that crowd.

I called my wife, perhaps she was the mystery ducker. She laughed hysterically, but is not the culprit. In fact, she was really excited and embraced my duck as a member of the family. I think I'll call him Irving. Yup, that sounds good, Irving the duck.

Mystery Ducker, I know you are out there, it's just a matter of time before I find out who you are...

New Hope Race I

Lap 1

just around the 2nd courner I get tangled up with Dan Conrad and go slamming to the ground in a fit of fury, landing in a nice soft puddle of mud. I get my whits about me and look up to see the race riding quickly away from me. I just went from top 15 to dead last. My first instinct was to just go home. The races were super muddy, super hard on bodies and bikes. But then, well I figured I should at least ride a lap. I admit I was kinda riding with a "fuck it" approach. I made motorcycles sounds "brapp!!!" and High Fived the crowd as I rode through sections. But then, I caught 3 guys, and looked up and there was another group so, I switched back to game mode.

Lap 2-3-4
I just consistently moved forward, tried to keep making ground and kinda hoped that I could eek my way back into some points, not that I'm chasing anything, but I'd love to keep my second row start for the final MAC race. The race was hard, I felt like I ran as much as I rode. But I put my head down, and even danced my way through the barriers the last time through.
I lost an even up sprint with Spanky in a bike throw. I wanted to dispute the photo finish but the offical said there was no photo finish for 24th place. damn. So in the end I got 25th, 1 pt. sweet.

On paper this looks like my worst race all year, in reality I rode pretty well, and I feel pretty good about my last 3 laps, and my race in general. Dan came up to me afterward and apologized, he is a really good kid, I respect the guy, and it wasn't like he tried to take me out. Shit happens, just would have rather it happened somewhere besides the first 3 minutes of the race. Whatever, no blood no foul.

Thanks to Fort James and Spot Paul who worked tireslessly to make sure I had a fresh clean bike every lap, thanks to everyone that cheered for me, and kept encouraging me to keep moving on.

Tomorrow I head back. Not because I love the mud, or thought the venue was really all that great, but because I love cyclocross, and frankly I only have a few more chances to do this until September of next year, I don't want to let this slip away. As I told Jan, "we are cyclocrossers, this is what we do."

respect
fm

chapter 40: return to cookie mountain

It was a freakishly warm night at cross practice. I tried to be all euro and go totally over dressed for my warm up laps but quickly returned to toaster to shed 2 layers, and put on a short sleeve jersey. I don't like the course at mystery meeting place X nearly as much as our course at Middle School S. The Middle school has more elevation change, more corners, it's just harder. This new course, while considerably flatter, and considerably faster, has some light, therefore it works great.

One of the benefits of the new course is that it is a faster course, which doesn't usally suit my style, and it promotes more group/pack riding, which again as a single speed mountainbiker during the off-season, isn't my normal forte.

All that said, tonight might have been my favorite practice all year. I believe it certainly was the practice that I rode my best. The efforts went well, my technique was pretty clean. E-town had me working on my opposite side dismounts and remounts. The dismount was going very well, the first remount hit me in a very sensitive area. I have a new bruise forming. It's nice. On one of the efforts, Monkey took the hole shot and lead into the first corner, as we decended upon her like a hive of bees, she proceeded to pimp me and about 5 others in the corner pushing us way out, and taking the best line, as she powered away out of the corner. It was another very proud moment for me. Rob who joined the DCCoD late this year, and is a former cat 2 on the road who frankly was pretty dominate on the road in these parts. If he kicked your ass in a local citzen race this year, don't be too mad, it's not a come back, he's been here for years. Unfortuentatly for all of us, Rob is quickly becoming very skilled on the cross bike, and putting all that fitness and power into making all of our lifes that much tougher. He is making our practices that much harder. Rat Bastard.

After practice many members of the DCCoD rolled down to EL Hefe for some fine mexican food. I had a couple of chicken tacos that were quiet tasty. Sadly, something went horribly wrong as I got home and had to run for the thrown. Two bowls were filled, and many courtesy flushes happened. Yikes.

Someone asked me tonight if I looked at the registration for the races this weekend. I said no, because I know who all is gonna be there. Furthermore, if I look at the list I find myself saying, "yeah that guy can kick my ass, oh yeah him too, and him, he's riding great too..." Truth be told this year if you're in the top 15 of the B race, you can win, that's what has made this pretty damn great this year. I've just been happy to be in the mix.

respect-FM

pictures of monkey from : www.mlkimages.com; and always from www.dennisbike.com

chapter 39: yo mama so fat

mega: "you know marc this is the skinniest I think I have ever seen you..."

respect

m

photo kevin dillard