When I was an adolescent, I remember being angry all the time. Just feeling full of angst and dissatisfaction. I felt like an outsider, that I was different than the other kids. I know that angst is normal, but I had a weird chip on my shoulder for really no reason that I have been able to identify.I have shared this before, but I clearly remember my first grade teacher, Ms. Morris saying to me in front of the class, “ this is Marc with a C. He is different from the other Mark’s, they spell their names with a “K” .” Yeah I was pretty much fucked from then on.
From the time I was 14 on, I kinda just went with it, and followed the skate culture. I wrestled most of those years too. Nothing like wrestling to alleviate angst, self confidence issues and for no godly reason having a chip on my shoulder.At about the time I turned 26 or so, I found some confidence that I never really had before. As I started my career, I realized the fact that I was “kinda different” as one of my VP’s said to me, was a strength, not a weakness. Years of looking at things from a different perspective, having a slightly different view of the world made me succeed pretty quickly. That coupled with the fact that most of the folks I worked with at that sweat shop were pretty much incompetent didn’t hurt either…
But, I digress. The gist of this writing is this: From time to time I find myself dipping back into my old collection of music. Lots of Morrisey, Love and Rockets, the cult, the Cure and Jesus and Mary Chain. I will admit Music always affects me. It influences my mood, and the more and more I listed to that stuff sometimes I feel start to feel angst, start to feel pissed off at the world again.This spawns a few questions:
So did I become a pissed off skater kid because of the music or did the music just become something I related to?
As an adult, a pretty well adjusted, very confident (almost cocky), very happy adult I might add, why does the music invoke so many of the feelings I had as a kid? Does the music spurn memories? Or does it really just affect me that way?
Kinda of weird.
I have long said that I train from a dark place. I like training and racing from there. Racing bikes is fun, but it’s hard. I like that hurt. I like that darkness. Fuck, who gets up at five in the morning to do intervals for an hour without turning the crank in anger at some point.
Anyway, that’s what I’m thinking about today…respect
fm
14 comments:
i love this post best marc!! i relate a lot. word.
I too love it man. But I'm not sure if you know it or not, but I have a © on any blog post to do with the Smiths and or Morrissey. If you could make that correction, or at least credit me, I'd be willing to drop any suit against Fatmarc, Inc.
Kidding of course, I think you and I have the same music influences. I come from the the fraction of folks that actually get HAPPIER when I listen to The Smiths. Now the Cure is a whole other story...
should file this under 'who gives a fuck'
great post. I think music, like many other sensory experience, transport us back in time. As we grow older, they can enhance & influence our new experiences.
just introduced Grace to The Cure tonight. She looked at me and said, "Will you put this on my iPod?"
absolutely terrific post and not just because i am married to a marC myself. i think music and sport go hand in hand. almost all my runs and cross-training are associated with a particular artist or song. i pity the runners and cyclists and dump truck drivers who happen upon me singing to myself. eek. anyway, this post really resonated and as usual is so much more interesting than the brit lit i have to read for class tomorrow! peace--
Music calms my wandering mind. Causes me to focus, when concentrating on just about anything....1st grade teacher called on 'Dennis' did'nt faze me..again,still nothing. Went home crying. She told me I was Dennis!...I was always Denny. Had never heard Dennis.
denS
One day we should race again together.
Some sick drawn out painful ordeal that breaks us down to sobbing dirt.
I think only at that point would anything really interesting happen.
Well said.
I've been going through a massive Cult phase. Can't get enough of "Love Removal Machine." It might be my (this is going to sound so douche-baggy)
"Go-To" get stoked song for the season.
-t
"When I was an adolescent"
When was that Marc? Last week?
I relate. My whitebread suburb was going all pop/emo around that time, so my little rebellion was to get into jazz and classic blues, then postpunk/hardcore. That was a funny scene with an interesting blend of people. I kinda liked the mosh pit but not on nights right after rugby games... too much similarity.
I mainly listen to Lawerence Welk 78's now, in between swigs of Metamucil.
Where is the moment we needed the most
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
They tell me your blue skies fade to gray
They tell me your passion's gone away
And I don't need no carryin' on
You stand in the line just to hit a new low
You're faking a smile with the coffee you go
You tell me your life's been way off line
You fall into pieces every time
And I don't need no carryin' on
Because you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You hurry back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day
You had a bad day
Music always affects my mood, but the strongest feelings always come out when I relate music to a specific memory. All the bands you mention here bring me back to my bmx freestyin' days...both angst and joy come out. Its a wierd mix of emotions but then again teen years are all about that wierd mix. The Cure always comes to mind immediately because one of my comp routine was to 'Boys Don't Cry' Ah, memories.
I think I am going to drop a "t" and "c" in my name, and change the "-skey" to "-ski" since everyone does.
-mat mcluski
A++++ Blog post, would read again
Get...Over...Yourself.
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