072: Cold Days and Hot Shatner

10:00pm Sunday Night.
Monkey, “it’s cold in here. The heater is making funny noises. I think there’s something wrong.”
Me: “aw, suck it up, it’s 26 degrees outside, kiddo stop being a baby, go to sleep…”

12:30am Monday Morning
I am awoken with a blunt shove. I am seeing stars a little.
Monkey, “the house is freezing, the heater is broken you ass. What are we going to do now, get up!” “ I told you something was freakin’ wrong!”

1:00am Monday Morning
After starring at the heater, and banging on it, turning it off and on, and coming to the realization that we have No fucking clue what is wrong with it, other than the house is freezing. I call emergency service.

Emergency Service, “I'll have a tech call you back as soon as possible.”
Monkey, “F-er, I told you something was wrong… we could have called them hours ago!”
Me, “we could have called !? Go to bed, not like you’re going to do anything now anyway…”

2:00am Monday Morning
Me, “Hi, Emergency Service I called an hour ago…”
Emergency Service, “yeah, I’m still trying to find a tech to call you…”
Me, “ Prompt emergency service…”

I sit on the couch, wrapped in my Tauntaun Sleeping bag, gripping my phone afraid that if I fall asleep I’ll miss the “emergency service” call. Monkey keeps looking down the stairs and asking, “did they call yet?” to which I respond, “no, did you hear them call? One of us should get some sleep.” Neither of us do.

3:00am Monday Morning
Me, “ Just checking in…”
Emergency Service, “Still working on it Mr. Fatmarc."
Me, “ I can see my breath in the house now, just sayin’ ”

3:30am Monday Morning
Tech, “ Hi, I’m Tom, understand your heat is broken.”
Me, “ Yes, Sir been out since I guess 10:00, we’ve got nothing, I’m afraid the pipes may freeze.”
Tech, “ be out between 12-4 tomorrow, good night”
Click
Me, “ ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!!!”
After bundling up, getting a couple hours of sleep running off to work for as much as I could, coming home to a sub 40 degree house, playing ball in the house with the dogs, seeing all of our breath, riding rollers in full tights, long sleeve jersey not trying to sweat down any weight but to just stay warm, full contact vacuum cleaning the house, Diane walking around in her Selk Bag, the service guy finally shows up.

He is super nice, bangs on my heater, gets it started. Lets me know the part won’t be in for a couple of days. Freakin’ Motor is blown. He leaves. 45 minutes later the motor grinds to a noisy, horrible death. We have a moment of silence in it’s honor.

We have no heat again. Monkey and I head out to Costco to buy a number of space heaters, which now keep our happy home at a brisk 52 degrees. Not warm, but safe from pipes bursting. ( we hope)

As we walk around Costco, I am exhausted, cold, hungry and tired.
I announce:

Me, “ I haven’t eaten all day, I need some food…”
Monkey, “ hey, let’s pick up some fruit or something to cook..”
Me, “Fuck you, I’ve been sitting in the cold all day, I want a BIG MAC, and some god damn French Fries.”
Monkey, “okay, okay .. we’ll grab them on the way home, that will work I just want to get the heaters up and running to protect the pipes…”

Thank god for thermal lined cycling tights, various levels of gloves, and the fact that everyone gave me lots of beer as Christmas presents. We left the house today at 50 degrees. It’s going to be a chilly week…

BTW, the Big Mac was a much better idea, than in actual execution. That was a HUGE mistake. But I knew that before I ate it anyway…

Luckily, Bill Shatner always warms my heart.

And I don’t even like star trek.

Thanks for reading.

r-r-respect.
f-f-fatmarc