There is this song by Lucero, called "my tears don't matter much", that I really like, however when coupled with a couple of beers, it never fails to leave me in a very melancholy mood. I think I'm gonna run with that.
'cross is a harsh bitch of a passion. you have days like I had Saturday where I had felt like I had a break through. My 4th top 10 finish in 10 years of racing MAC cross. I was just off the lead group most of the day. On the final lap I found myself with Jeremy Dunn, as we picked up Pat Bradley who was coming back from a dropped chain. Into the final sand pit I attacked and took the lead of the group, I thought I had my first top 5 MAC finish in hand, up the next steep section, my file tread tire tire spun out, not once but twice, all I could utter was "fuck..." as I watch Pat and Jeremy roll past me, and run away from me on the amphitheater of pain. But still, today was a victory, a step forward.
Sunday was a reminder, that at the end of the day, I'm not really good enough. Got a good start, battled through some groups, turned myself inside out, but at the end of the day I couldn't make anything stick. I ended up a solid 15th. There I have been days when 15th was a victory for me, but not today, not after my ride Saturday. 15th- That's what I finished last year. I can't say that I didn't give it my all, I did, but on the last lap, hauling my fatmarc carcass up that climb on the backside, I just couldn't get it done and ended up giving up 2 spots. 2 spots to guys I respect, solid riders, but none the less, worse than getting beat, I hate giving up spots on the last freakin' lap. It was my best, but still, in someways a step backwards. Fuck me.
One of the things I love about cross is the people, and I'm pretty lucky to have lots of people cheering for me, lots of friends in the cross world. In some small way, when someone calls your name it makes you want to suffer just a little more. I'm lucky to hear my name a lot. That's the closest I have ever gotten to be the cool kid in school. Why do people cheer for me? Maybe it's a part of cross, and we've all been out there killing ourselves. Maybe it's because I have this blog that people read, maybe because I try to be nice to everyone, maybe it's because the DCCOD is monstrous, and if people don't cheer for me I'll make everyone do more efforts at practice.
Sometimes, I like to think that it's because people that know me, even just a little bit, know that I'm turning myself inside out when I race, that no matter what I have, I'm throwing it all out on the table. I think they respect me for that. I hope they do. I think those close to me know how hard I work, I think they respect me for that. I like to think that the cross fans in our region appreciate when people go out and just leave it on the line. As Auer said to me "racing to win, not racing to not lose..." I'm not a winner, but I love the fight, I think people watching me appreciate at that. Maybe I'm crazy. Maybe I'm drunk. Doesn't really make a difference. Today I was 15th.
Today was hard, I gave my best, I can't play "the race is really with yourself card", because right now I've had one too many beers, and listened to one too many Lucero songs, and I've worked a little bit too hard. I'm a little disappointed.
Good news is, and perhaps one of my favorite things about cross, is that next week, it starts all over again, and next week, I get another shot to turn myself inside out, to leave it all out on the course, and to try to be my best. I hope you still cheer for me, you know since I'm kind a being a drunk whiny bitch right now. You know like the sorority girl that drinks too much and starts crying over everything. yeah that's me right now.
good news is tomorrow is a new day. Next week another cross race.
hope springs eternal.
fuck yeah.
see you in Trenton.
respect.
m
ps: congrats to KC for the great ride today...
thanks to the beacon boys, and the Rutgers Cyclocross team for great events both days, kudos to you.
thanks to Joe P. who said I have big guns. that was really funny.
12 comments:
Marc, there are lots of reasons we yell your name: 1) Yes, we know you are turning yourself inside out, and we respect that; 2) Faticus just sounds darn cool (although I usually still call you Marc - its too hard for me to call you fat anything, since you aren't); 3) It is nice to see that nice guys don't finish last, they often finish first!; 4) We like you a lot and want to see you do well; 5) Living vicariously through your good results since mine suck!
Beth
Since I'm not a fellow cyclist, I guess you can call me a fan of yours. I truly enjoy watching you race. You're one of the ones I watch out for when I'm taking pictures so as to get as many shots as I possibly can of you. Sure, I try to shoot everyone at least once, but there are a charasmatic few who really make great photographic subjects. The look that's ALWAYS on your face really shows that you are giving it 100%, 100% of the time. I look forward to watching you race next time!
I like you because I relate to your struggles and the way you seem to view them, and I also respect the effort you put in. Further, you have a generosity of spirit that is admirable - I've seen you share your struggles here, and tire intel on the race course. Very generous indeed.
FWIW, I'm figuring out that it's not just about killing the guy you were today. It's about learning to accept that killing that guy is what it's all about, external validation is cool but we're not duelling to the death here, it's just a race. Hence my struggle - I'm a million miles ahead of where I was last year and not even in the same universe as I was the year before, and in most races I finish and know I couldn't have done much more than what I did, yet still I'm pissed that I didn't finish higher in each one. It's that tension between your rational (and emotionally mature) grown up human side, and your animal side that has to be the first hog to the trough. Harnessing the pig in training and in the race, and yet still walking on your hind legs and being a fully mature human once you cross the finish line (and at times in the race when it's appropriate), is a struggle, maybe it's one you don't win permanently but fight every day.
Like the man says, Racing isn't like life, it is life. Check out Tim Krabbe's "The Rider" if you haven't yet - remarkably insightful look into your own (and every other racer's) psyche. He relates the fullness we feel, including the moments of triumph, the pettiness, the courage and the frequent moments of self-loathing. Money shot: "The emptiness of non-racer's lives... it shocks me."
Congrats on a great frickin' result on Saturday. And to your boy Chris for his result today, it was a magnificent win.
i cheer for you 'cause you're hot.
well, and also b/c your voice pushes me to go farther in my races. seriously--watching you and diane race insprires the hell out of me.
thanks for the pre-race pep talk.
i love you guys--and i'm still sober.
xo
m
Your passion is contagious.
You keep it real.
Word.
Great rides this weekend. I'm sorry I couldn't be there.
you've given me a ton of motivation and encouragement and even though we don't know one another all that well you've never left my side in the past year. i'd cheer for you even if you'd taken off, but mostly i do it (from afar) because you remind me to always strive to be stronger than i think i am. thanks for that.
word up man. see you in trenton. this cross season has turned out to be painful and fun- that's what its all about.
see you in trenton- i'll keep an eye out for ya
my dad said something interesting on our way home from HPCX...
"This is a difficult motherfucking sport..."
Simple & true.
There's really no hiding, no half-assing out there (certainly not at your level)...
We cheer for you because
1)You're a badass & a class act in every sense of the word
2)You see the bigger picture
3)Your wife is a badass
4)You show up in white clogs
5)Hello...Granogue!! (mtb AND cross)
6)You get it
7)wait...that's six reasons right there
And I'm not drunk, but my kid just puked on me...
dude:
some guy looked over at megA & me screaming for u @ highland park....and he said something like, 'lisa & mega your are really obnoxiously loud'.
of course this was always as you were throttling it past us on the course. 'GO....FATiCUS!!' hard to miss that pitchy yell, ehhh!!
at this point thanks for taking the pressure off the rest of us(me) that are struggling in s...dom
ok, DCCoD rule says i can't write this.
keep it up.
cruella
Dear Drunken Sorority girl,
Please do not throw up on my bike. It will be angry and forced to slap you.
XOXO,
Anne
while I've never seen you race...
I sometimes call your name in the middle of the night.
does that count for anything?
Make no mistake my friend, Filetreads were the correct choice.
awesome racing with you this weekend. That is why we come down to the MAC to race with dudes like Mr. Faticus himself...and this dude aint fat...he's PHAT!
can't wait for some more MAC Jams this weekend.
jeremy
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