Chapter 83: haircut like a gi joe doll

I’ve been bitch slapped more in the last 24hrs than I have been in the last 24 months. First my asshole brother crucified me for a positive comment. No good dead is left unpunished I guess.

Then at cross practice I got slapped around by basically everyone; which isn’t totally new to me. Technique was good. Had fun, just didn’t ride great. Bike feels great, getting comfortable on the FORT very quickly. Shifter broke. Hell, after Dan the man’s slapped me, his total recall stomach stepped out and threw me beat down.

It’s all good though, cross is good, and I never have been a practice room wrestler if you
know what I mean. Very big group tonight that was fun, the new run up is freakin’ fatmarc abuse. I love cross, there are few things in this world that I enjoy more, and yet there are few things that I suck worse at.

Finished off a day of ass beatings with half priced nachos at the old Deer Park. A hearty crew showed up for some levity, beers, and $4.00 nachos and quesadillas. There are few things in the world I love more than $4.00 nachos, and yet there are few things that I can eat more of.

Lets hope tomorrow consists of far less bitch slaps for me. The next time I hear someone say, “I keep my pimp hand strong.” I’m running for cover.

Respect
fatmarc














this guy kept dropping me on the run up.

chapter 59: little miss sunshine

Saw that movie last night. Kathleen, Diane and I hit an early show. Worth the watch if you like quirky humor, road trip movies, or coming of age stories. One line in the movie really hit home with me, and gave me goosebumps.

Slick Rick, FortJames, Chunky Monkey and I noodled around the county park today doing some cross drills. No real intensity, lord knows I don't have the stomach for that kinda thing, and after getting drug around on the PWC sunday edition, I could barely stand up at all. But I digress, this was my first time riding the new bike. It was delightful, my barrier technique was poor, not a whole lot of cyclocross barriers in mountainbike racing, but it will come. We had a good time, and I think I got some cross rust off. 3 weeks until charm city. Damn, I'm in big trouble.
Slick Rick's Orbea was super sexy. I mean it's no Fort or anything, but sexy as hell just the same. (go ahead and say it, fatmarc you are such a whore, yeah I know)


While at the park we saw some interesting stuff. First, proof that kids love to ride bikes as this cute little miss sunshine, came right over to us and started riding in our pack. She just wanted to be a part of the group I guess. Little bitch kept dropping me in the barriers. I guess there are barriers in Ken and Barbie bike land. Nice Streamers. She didn't even have a pink helmet. Was that mean? Okay, Okay, she wasn't really a bitch, even if she did drop me in the barriers.





Later, we saw this:

yup a large pack of mother's with strollers racing around the mile walking trail. They laughed at me tripping through the barriers, I laughed at them racing around the trail. Look out, you better cover that breakaway!

In other news it seems some of the boys from Rutgers are trying to get to the great divide race next year, and are selling t-shirts to try and fund it. The only guy I really know from Rutgers is Mark V, and damn that guy races single speeds, has killer sideburns, races cross, and has a great name, you know aside from spelling Marc wrong, if these guys are half as cool as Mark V, then they are good with me. Check out the link on the side.
Finally, props to FFAmy, Jaime (world's foremost expert on rip currents), John (b-line's Todd), Andrew C , the beans boys, TwinSix teammate Jason and all the crazies that were racing at 7 springs this weekend. I heard the conditions were totally wretched. Also major props to Buddy the leg breaker, Elk, Kerry and Les (international man of mystery) who were racing down at the SM 100. Way too tough for me. I played in a field and ate donughts. Much easier on my constitution .MMMM Dunkin' donughts make me happy. Wait I hear an icecream truck I better go chase it down...

respect

fm

chapter 04 : retrospective

Well, here we are. A rainy assed Saturday morning, and well I have this sweet new cross bike all built up that I won't be riding today. Maybe won't be riding tomorrow either. So I started cleaning out my cycling bins and found all kinds of stuff. Since my only riding will be on a trainer today, and I'm procrastinating that, I figured I go through some of the stories with the team's jerseys I have proudly worn.

circa 1993. I get on to the Wooden Wheels team. This is where I would spend the majority of my racing career. Wooden Wheels was a very dominate road team at that time, I think they won D20 2 or 3 years in a row. I got on as a beginner mountain biker, because I won the cat5 Thursday night crit in Wilmington. Nope, it didn't makes sense to me either, but I wasn't gonna let a chance to ride for Wooden Wheels slip through my fingers. The road team had guys that are still my heros: dennis smith, wietzell, and Billy V. Bob Reuther lead the way in the dirt. He was pro and was always super cool to me,Diane and my brother even though we were just some kids wearing the same jersey.

Around 1995 or so the road team split and became team Delaware. I don't know what really happened there. Andrew Mein and I ran the mtb team. We came up with our own jersey to separate ourselves from the old team. We felt like we had our own approach and frankly wanted to win our own championships. This is where Andrew drilled home the "be an ambassador for the sport" thing into my head. The team was mostly a close nit group, Nick Riddle provided guidance for us. Greg Burbidge and my brother Craig were the most talented riders we had, aside from Nick who was just a super freak on the bike. That machado kid was tough too. Dennis Smith was always good to us, he called our new team "the kids"

This jersey was designed by Joe Brevoort. He was Mike's older brother and is a hell of an artist. It was in this jersey that our team began to evolve into a sport/expert unit. It was also in this jersey that we won our first team championship: the MAC cup. We won it with basically 5 of us, Katie (on her single speed and often hung over), Diane, Jeanie, Ted and I . With 3 women we cleaned up team points, and Ted and I were fighting to score in the B's. Ted used to do 2 races to take one for the team. We trailed Bike Doctor by 10 going into the final race at fairhill, and we pulled every wooden wheels rider we had that day. Justin Thompson, who was one of the best cross riders in the country rode for us that day too, he was a product of our program and wanted to help us secure the championship. Justin rode in his devo kit. I am personally responsible for the MAC rule that says in order to score team points for a team you must be wearing that team's jersey. At our season ending party, after Justin's mom polished the cup, we drank beer out of it and danced around their house in celebration.

It was in this version of the jersey that our team garnered the nick name "evil empire". We bolstered our ranks as finally Jay Jay joined us, as did Tom Mc, Kurtee, k-man, fortjames, Keith G Bobby's boy, Greg came back, Johnny G, and hell even Matty Doyle was doing some mtb races for us. A kid name Johnny Royal came on the scene. Todd, who I chased for years to race for us finally came over. Lead by Katie and Justin's 14 year old brother named Joey we won another MAC CUP. It was awesome watching Joey going from a kid showing up on the rides, or riding cross on his mtb, to him kicking all our asses. It was also in this jersey that the MASS started, we finished the first year 2nd to Guys, and dominated the second year winning 8 out of 10 races taking the team title. At the awards ceremony, Ted played the Empire's theme from star wars on his boom box as we crowed on the podium. We drank and were merry. I think everyone hated us, but we didn't care our mission was accomplished. To this day we are still the only program to win both a MASS championship, and a MAC championship. yeah I take some pride in leading those teams.

After the stress of chasing down a MASS championship, I needed something new. I stepped down as leader of Wooden Wheels and started a season on the road. Johnny Royal, Bryant and I we had a pretty kick ass cat4 team and we put some one on the podium in pretty much every race we were in winning a bunch. Each of us had a role, and we worked so well together. Bryant would tt off the front and see if anyone would chase, if they did I usually disrupted the hell out of it. Jon was the climber who if the race was hilly we'd work for. Aside from being a jam car, I was the sprinter. I was 3 points away from my 3 up grade, when I got sick, spent a week in the hospital and effectively ended my road career, as when I was recouping Buddy and L-Web were like, "dude road sucks, come race mtb with us again" They conned me into a 24hr race at 7 springs, I agreed as long as I could ride my single speed Karate Monkey, and I began riding ss exclusively at this time. We won the race with Matty T, and James completing our team.

The Mighty Spot Brand Jersey. My current mountain bike team. I hope my last mountain bike team. After my 7 springs experience and a couple of other nice fall mtb results, I sent out a couple of resumes. I got a three offers back, which was amazing as I didn't really expect anything at all. I talked to Jessica andMichael at Spot for a while, they were super cool. Thus started my relationship with Spot that has seen me grow as a rider, and grow the team to include the folks we have now. Jessica and Michael sold spot this summer, but I continue to represent the company and them. The new owners are super nice, and I look forward to working with them more and more. My only regret here is that when there was the Trek Classic series, had Lauri not gone to IF and I not gone to Spot, Wooden Wheels would have won that Championship. Sorry Howard, I did have to point that out. The Mighty Spot Team had a great year this year, and I look forward to more greatness next year. Oh and yup that is a penny in the picture. Must have dropped that one. You see how I roll.

The Secret Henry's Team. It's like the fight club, rule one don't talk about the Secret Henry's Team. Rule two: don't talk about the secret henry's team. I might get a demerit for these next lines, but let me go a little. No you can't have race reimbursement, and no not anyone can ride for them. Basically it's a group of folks who love to race their bikes, in many cases have associations with other teams, there is no bullshit, there is no money, there is no meetings, there are no politics. Just guys/gals who ride their bikes. Riders from some of the best programs around, all under the banner on the Secret Henry's team. The SHT remember, there is no I in team. One of my proudest associations for sure.

Twin Six came on board as a clothing sponsor for the Mighty Spot Brand Team this summer. Their stuff is super comfy, super cool looking and I am really proud to be associated with these guys. They are a great compliment to what we are doing as the Spot team, and these guys really get it.

Fort Frames. Stacked line up here, I'm really looking forward to a great season. And after getting my first bike all built up. I can't wait to get my kit, I might just wear it everwhere for a couple of weeks. I'll sleep in it, where it under my clothes too work, ride in it. I'll just shower in it so it doesn't get too stinky.

anyway, thanks for following along and taking this jersey journey with me this morning.

respect

fm

Chapter 33: from czech republic with love

Got my first FORT FRAME today. So sexy. Delicious. Can’t wait to build her up hopefully tomorrow. Maybe the rain will hold off a bit so I can ride her Saturday morning. So sweet. I have another fork coming for this frame set something even more seductive than the current carbon fork..

Did the PWC tonight. No Blair Blair, Mark the Shark, or Dan the Man, but still a very formidable group. You know I’m starting to be a little offended, I mean, I’ve done the PWC (peoples world championships) 4 times this year, and 3 of the times Mark the shark has been absent. These are probably the only times Mark has missed this ride. I think he is ducking me. Not because he fears my wicked wheel sucking abilities, but maybe he’s tired of my smart ass remarks, or my singing in the pace line, maybe just maybe he has been scarred by seeing my naked ass on the internet. Truth be told, I’m a little scarred by that. No Worries, Mark will surely drop me some time soon.

But I digress; Postal Dave drilled it, and at one point I about crapped my pants as I realized I was in a 4 man break away with Dana, Postal, Slick Rick and I. WTF was I doing there. Coming back over the cemetery bridge Dick gave me the eye and asked me if I was alright. Not sure what that was all about. Whatever Dick is a far superior cyclist to me and I was lucky to not be left for dead today. Besides, he was nice to me at the end of the ride. The goal tonight was to put myself in the pain cave for a bit, and do my best to not get dropped. Mission Accomplished on both fronts. Had really good Thai food today. That was tasty. I need to do some cross drills…

respect
fm

chapter 62 : the power of grayskull

First meeting of the Delaware Cyclocross Coalition of Delaware was tonight. I looked forward to it all week long, and alas, life happens, got held up at work, and didn't get to go. No reports as of yet. Gotta start doing some technique work soon. I think they call these periods transitional.

I didn't see this snake on a plane last weekend.
respect
m

Chapter 7: one gear good beer ss rally

Chapter 14: a very charming pig

Vincent: do you consider a dog to be a filthy animal?

Jules: I wouldn't go so far as to call a dog filthy but they're definitely dirty. But, a dog's got personality. Personality goes a long way.

Vincent: Ah, so by that rationale, if a pig had a better personality, he would cease to be a filthy animal. Is that true?

Jules: Well we'd have to be talkin' about one charmin' motherfuckin' pig. I mean he'd have to be ten times more charmin' than that Arnold on Green Acres, you know what I'm sayin'?

That’s me folks, I am one charmin’ motherfuckin’ pig. That’s the only way I can explain it…

As the story goes I guess fortjames and gregg (who runs the fort team) were having a conversation the other night, and Gregg said something like, “how about that fatmarc, everyone seems to like, him, he might be a great fit for our team.” And James, well being pretty close to me responded, “well, fatmarc’s kinda in a tight spot right now, I don’t think he plans on racing cross this year…” which was kinda ended that conversation.

The next day ole fortjames shares the exchange with me, fulling believing that I would not be racing cross, and that he was just trying to make my day. I commented to James, “dude, things have worked out somewhat, cross is gonna happen for me.” The phone got quiet. “so, what do you think?” James asks. I was totally flanbbergasted, and left well speachless. I readily admit, riding for Fort Frames, arguably the mid atlantic’s best cross team, stacked with guys who are local legends, had not crossed my mind, I really had never even considered it in the realm of possiblilty. Yet here was an opportunity… I, being a charmin’ mother fuckin’ pig, and of course the spotbrand/ twinsix whore- jumped at the opportunity. Calls were made, resumes sent, and this morning I talked to Gregg and alas I am very excited to announce that fatmarc will be flying the Fort Frames colors for cross season this fall. You know, I know that I’m just some dude, and really I am not all that talented. But I have prided myself in doing the right things, working hard, and sometimes, sometimes I find myself in the right place at the right time, and you know, things work out well for me. I am a lucky man. Know that for mountain bike, nothing will be changing. I am still a spotbrand/twinsix/henry’s whore all the way.

Up until last Friday, it didn’t look like cross was gonna happen for me this year. I had even kinda grown comfortable with that idea. I have to say I was really blown away by a number of folks that called me, and offered to personally sponsor me for the season. These folks, point flat said they’d pay all my entries, put me up at nationals. That was really pretty over whelming. My heart pumps big love for all of you. Know this, you can always count on me, and I will 100% work my hardest and make sure none of you regret extending that very generous offer to me. I am a very lucky charmin’ pig. Arnold's got nuthin on me man.

Respect
fm

chapter 42: serious ass problems

Perhaps some of you have noticed these pictures. You know the ones with me racing in Visit Pa team shorts. Well before Kuhn Dog chokes or spits his coffee all over his computer with the though of me as a member of the Visit Pa team, let me explain. I have not been lured away from the Spot Brand/Twin Six Army. However, very thankfully Wes the conqueror lent me his extra shorts so that I could double bag my ass for my last lap.

It all started 2 weeks ago at the 6 hour race at Susquehanna. I did the race, it was hot I sweated my ass off, and I got some kind of monkey butt going on. It was a nasty rash that I figure was the result of a hot (tempature) sweaty ass, wrapped in Lycra for 6 hours straight. I stayed off it for a couple of days, and alas the ass was in good shape.

Last weekend, we again had warm weather and humid conditions, this coupled with the fact that I did not shower between my 2-4 laps. I figured I’m dirty, it’s hot, let’s roll. Well, I got a case of monkey butt that almost made me cry. At the end of my 5th lap, my slowest coincidently I could barely sit down. I asked Diane to take a look, I dropped trough only to hear her exclaim, “OH MY GOD. WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?”

Let me start by saying that I don’t have an attractive ass to start with. It’s hairy like a furry muskrat, and also has some nasty pock marks, and really is not all pretty. My ass is shameful, I know it. Now coupled with the Monkey butt that I developed it was even worse, so bad that my wife, who is used to seeing my wool shorted, furry muskrat ass, exclaims, “OH MY GOD. WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?”

So that wasn’t really enough. When I fell asleep on the massage table, Diane felt the need to show Buddy, what I had done to my ass. He felt the need to snap a picture, which much to my surprise hasn’t shown up on his blog yet. Buddy then showed the picture of my muskrat hairy, pock covered, monkey butted ass to the rest of our compound. Groans, and screams could be heard for miles around.

So as it turns out, I had one lap to go, I had trouble sitting on camping chair, I knew I was gonna suffer sitting on a flite saddle for another 45 minutes or so. I loaded up the chamois with ass master chamois cream, Paul recommended that I use some EMU oil, which I did, Wes offered me a second pair of shorts, because, “I don’t know if it will help but double bagging can’t hurt.” Les off to the side, and on the down low says to me, “man, are you gonna be okay to do your last lap?”

In the end, I loaded up, and headed out for my last lap, the first section was the toughest, because man my butt was sore. But once I got going and got into my flow my butt, well got numb, and although I can’t say it felt better, I did turn my final lap, in 48 minutes. Which was in line with my 2-3-4 laps. So I guess the ass master/emu oiled/double bagged plan worked out after all.

The trip home was a tough one, and sitting anywhere Monday was not a pleasant experience. On the recommendation of many, I invested in Bordeaux Butt Paste, which I have been applying liberally, and has helped to alleviate my ass pain.

The best part of this is that I am scheduled for a colonoscopy on Friday. I swear my surgeon is gonna look at the bruising, the rashy and the pure ugliness of my ass and wonder if I just spent the night at Iron Hill hog tied, blind folded and naked with my ass up in the air, or maybe I took a visit to OZ maximum security prison and hung out with the welcoming committee too long.

Yikes.

respect
fm