Thursday, August 31, 2006

Chapter 33: from czech republic with love

Got my first FORT FRAME today. So sexy. Delicious. Can’t wait to build her up hopefully tomorrow. Maybe the rain will hold off a bit so I can ride her Saturday morning. So sweet. I have another fork coming for this frame set something even more seductive than the current carbon fork..

Did the PWC tonight. No Blair Blair, Mark the Shark, or Dan the Man, but still a very formidable group. You know I’m starting to be a little offended, I mean, I’ve done the PWC (peoples world championships) 4 times this year, and 3 of the times Mark the shark has been absent. These are probably the only times Mark has missed this ride. I think he is ducking me. Not because he fears my wicked wheel sucking abilities, but maybe he’s tired of my smart ass remarks, or my singing in the pace line, maybe just maybe he has been scarred by seeing my naked ass on the internet. Truth be told, I’m a little scarred by that. No Worries, Mark will surely drop me some time soon.

But I digress; Postal Dave drilled it, and at one point I about crapped my pants as I realized I was in a 4 man break away with Dana, Postal, Slick Rick and I. WTF was I doing there. Coming back over the cemetery bridge Dick gave me the eye and asked me if I was alright. Not sure what that was all about. Whatever Dick is a far superior cyclist to me and I was lucky to not be left for dead today. Besides, he was nice to me at the end of the ride. The goal tonight was to put myself in the pain cave for a bit, and do my best to not get dropped. Mission Accomplished on both fronts. Had really good Thai food today. That was tasty. I need to do some cross drills…


chapter 62 : the power of grayskull

First meeting of the Delaware Cyclocross Coalition of Delaware was tonight. I looked forward to it all week long, and alas, life happens, got held up at work, and didn't get to go. No reports as of yet. Gotta start doing some technique work soon. I think they call these periods transitional.

I didn't see this snake on a plane last weekend.

Sunday, August 27, 2006

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Chapter 14: a very charming pig

Vincent: do you consider a dog to be a filthy animal?

Jules: I wouldn't go so far as to call a dog filthy but they're definitely dirty. But, a dog's got personality. Personality goes a long way.

Vincent: Ah, so by that rationale, if a pig had a better personality, he would cease to be a filthy animal. Is that true?

Jules: Well we'd have to be talkin' about one charmin' motherfuckin' pig. I mean he'd have to be ten times more charmin' than that Arnold on Green Acres, you know what I'm sayin'?

That’s me folks, I am one charmin’ motherfuckin’ pig. That’s the only way I can explain it…

As the story goes I guess fortjames and gregg (who runs the fort team) were having a conversation the other night, and Gregg said something like, “how about that fatmarc, everyone seems to like, him, he might be a great fit for our team.” And James, well being pretty close to me responded, “well, fatmarc’s kinda in a tight spot right now, I don’t think he plans on racing cross this year…” which was kinda ended that conversation.

The next day ole fortjames shares the exchange with me, fulling believing that I would not be racing cross, and that he was just trying to make my day. I commented to James, “dude, things have worked out somewhat, cross is gonna happen for me.” The phone got quiet. “so, what do you think?” James asks. I was totally flanbbergasted, and left well speachless. I readily admit, riding for Fort Frames, arguably the mid atlantic’s best cross team, stacked with guys who are local legends, had not crossed my mind, I really had never even considered it in the realm of possiblilty. Yet here was an opportunity… I, being a charmin’ mother fuckin’ pig, and of course the spotbrand/ twinsix whore- jumped at the opportunity. Calls were made, resumes sent, and this morning I talked to Gregg and alas I am very excited to announce that fatmarc will be flying the Fort Frames colors for cross season this fall. You know, I know that I’m just some dude, and really I am not all that talented. But I have prided myself in doing the right things, working hard, and sometimes, sometimes I find myself in the right place at the right time, and you know, things work out well for me. I am a lucky man. Know that for mountain bike, nothing will be changing. I am still a spotbrand/twinsix/henry’s whore all the way.

Up until last Friday, it didn’t look like cross was gonna happen for me this year. I had even kinda grown comfortable with that idea. I have to say I was really blown away by a number of folks that called me, and offered to personally sponsor me for the season. These folks, point flat said they’d pay all my entries, put me up at nationals. That was really pretty over whelming. My heart pumps big love for all of you. Know this, you can always count on me, and I will 100% work my hardest and make sure none of you regret extending that very generous offer to me. I am a very lucky charmin’ pig. Arnold's got nuthin on me man.


Tuesday, August 22, 2006

chapter 42: serious ass problems

Perhaps some of you have noticed these pictures. You know the ones with me racing in Visit Pa team shorts. Well before Kuhn Dog chokes or spits his coffee all over his computer with the though of me as a member of the Visit Pa team, let me explain. I have not been lured away from the Spot Brand/Twin Six Army. However, very thankfully Wes the conqueror lent me his extra shorts so that I could double bag my ass for my last lap.

It all started 2 weeks ago at the 6 hour race at Susquehanna. I did the race, it was hot I sweated my ass off, and I got some kind of monkey butt going on. It was a nasty rash that I figure was the result of a hot (tempature) sweaty ass, wrapped in Lycra for 6 hours straight. I stayed off it for a couple of days, and alas the ass was in good shape.

Last weekend, we again had warm weather and humid conditions, this coupled with the fact that I did not shower between my 2-4 laps. I figured I’m dirty, it’s hot, let’s roll. Well, I got a case of monkey butt that almost made me cry. At the end of my 5th lap, my slowest coincidently I could barely sit down. I asked Diane to take a look, I dropped trough only to hear her exclaim, “OH MY GOD. WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?”

Let me start by saying that I don’t have an attractive ass to start with. It’s hairy like a furry muskrat, and also has some nasty pock marks, and really is not all pretty. My ass is shameful, I know it. Now coupled with the Monkey butt that I developed it was even worse, so bad that my wife, who is used to seeing my wool shorted, furry muskrat ass, exclaims, “OH MY GOD. WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?”

So that wasn’t really enough. When I fell asleep on the massage table, Diane felt the need to show Buddy, what I had done to my ass. He felt the need to snap a picture, which much to my surprise hasn’t shown up on his blog yet. Buddy then showed the picture of my muskrat hairy, pock covered, monkey butted ass to the rest of our compound. Groans, and screams could be heard for miles around.

So as it turns out, I had one lap to go, I had trouble sitting on camping chair, I knew I was gonna suffer sitting on a flite saddle for another 45 minutes or so. I loaded up the chamois with ass master chamois cream, Paul recommended that I use some EMU oil, which I did, Wes offered me a second pair of shorts, because, “I don’t know if it will help but double bagging can’t hurt.” Les off to the side, and on the down low says to me, “man, are you gonna be okay to do your last lap?”

In the end, I loaded up, and headed out for my last lap, the first section was the toughest, because man my butt was sore. But once I got going and got into my flow my butt, well got numb, and although I can’t say it felt better, I did turn my final lap, in 48 minutes. Which was in line with my 2-3-4 laps. So I guess the ass master/emu oiled/double bagged plan worked out after all.

The trip home was a tough one, and sitting anywhere Monday was not a pleasant experience. On the recommendation of many, I invested in Bordeaux Butt Paste, which I have been applying liberally, and has helped to alleviate my ass pain.

The best part of this is that I am scheduled for a colonoscopy on Friday. I swear my surgeon is gonna look at the bruising, the rashy and the pure ugliness of my ass and wonder if I just spent the night at Iron Hill hog tied, blind folded and naked with my ass up in the air, or maybe I took a visit to OZ maximum security prison and hung out with the welcoming committee too long.



Monday, August 21, 2006

Chapter 34: “that’s a little excessive…”

Sneered the woman as she walked by the Mighty Spot Brand/Twin Six team compound during this weekend’s 18 hours on the Farm in Richmond, Virginia. However, we learned a long time ago that success in these events is often as much dependent on the support system you have, as the line up of riders. So, where our campsite, quickly nicknamed “the Denver International Airport” may have seen a little expansive, it was in fact key to our success this weekend.

The site manned by an outstanding team of friends and family:
Wes the conqueror, Tommy Mc, Lisa V, FFAmy, Chunky Monkey, and Fitzy, were are great support and could have had their own sick team for the race, if they weren't supporting us. I should also note here that “the Denver International Airport” would have never happened without the selflessness of another teammate, Matt (run forest) who was home injured with that leg-gina. Matt was generous enough to allow us to use his truck to pull the trailer that made the race key. Thanks man.

In the end, the race went spectacularly well. All week I had a sick fear that somehow, some fatal flaw, would come back to haunts us, that somewhere I was missing a detail, or I don’t know, really, none of that mattered. We had a flawless race, no real issues, just lots of fast, smooth racing. The line up of Les (international man of mystery), fatmarc, Buddy the leg breaker, and Spot Paul rolled to victory in the expert/pro 4 man class, in the process taking the overall event, with 23 laps around the 9.3 mile loop.

The race went like this:
Rotation one we have a 4 minute lead.
Rotation two we have a 7 minute lead.
Rotation three we have a 17 minute lead.
Rotation four we have a 35 minute lead.
Rotation five we have a lap in hand.
Rotation six we get damn close to a second lap.

The venue, the course was among my all time favorites, fast flowing tight single track, with lots of undulating trail, a course that paid dividends to strong bike handling, momentum junkies, and riders who had good flow. Single Speeders had an evolutionary advantage off the bat. The climbs were steady and loaded at the end of the race, with none being what I would call long. Our team was super consistent, as no one had more than a 5 minute variance through all of their laps. That was really impressive, and frankly that consistency lead to our victory. Fastest laps for the team went like this: Les 41, Marc, 44, Buddy 47, Paul 48. The course was so much fun, that even during the last rotation, when we could have let up a bit; it was just too much fun to get off the gas.

Short lap times meant little time for rest, and I don’t think anyone really got any sleep during the event. Hell, in planning this out, when I told Tom the loop was 9.3 miles, he said, “cool, a longer lap” that didn’t quite work out. Spot Paul rode awesomely this weekend, and had so much energy around the site, he kept us all energized. Every time Paul would come back to the compound he was exclaim, “who rocks the house? The Mighty Spot Brand Twin Six rocks the house” All I could come up with was “my ass hurts” other things heard relatively consistently were, “ass master” “camel toe” “queef” and “you better eat now.” As could be imagined with this group, there was a lot of good jokes, a lot of tom foolery, in short a ton of fun. Diane and Amy are trying out for the Olympics for water ballet too.

The promoters were excellent, from the lady in the transition area with rubber gloves taking your baton bracelet and sliding it on the next team member, to the pool that racers could swim in, to the space shuttle you could drive, to the showers at what Fitzy called Camp Poonanny, because lots of hot chicks were camped in that area. Cycles Ed put on an outstanding event, at an incredible venue. Outstanding event, one that we were already talking about next year for…

Props to Joey and Conrad of team arsenal who did I think 21 laps as a duo, these guys bring some super nasty stuff to the table for sure.

Thanks again to my tremendous teammates, and friends all of their efforts. Thanks to all of our sponsors who help make this possible as well. (Spot Brand, Twin Six, Henry’s Bikes, Howard at Bike line, and Wissahickon Cyclery)

Now, does anyone have any recommendations for chapped ass? Mine is really bad.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Chapter 16: Sometimes when I am in Pain I drink heavily.

So last night I did my last hard ride before my final mountain bike race of the year. The 18 hours on the farm. After work I scurried my way out to white clay and immediately drilled it trying to catch up with my friends, who were starting from the other end of the park. The trails were superhero good last night, traction was ridiculous good. I carved my bike the through the corners, trying to see how long and how fast I could go without touching my brakes. It was marvelous; I was flowing as well as I ever have in 12 years of riding. This is encouraging.

Finally I caught the group, who has been in a photo shoot for the News Journal. The News Journal was looking to do a story on alternative ways of exercising. The reporter asked the question, “So do you do any intervals?” Todd wily responds, “Well, I leave the parking lot and drill it, my HR goes to 185, and I pretty much keep it there for 2 hours.” The reporter wanted to know if he used any supplements, to which Todd responded, “ beer tastes good after a hard ride, and not that Michelob Ultra stuff either…” The crowd laughed. The reporter came to get a story about alternative ways to get fit, what he got was a look into the sub-culture that is our riding group. “Yeah, we are all pretty fit, but that’s really a bi-product of us having a great time flying around the park, pushing each other, having fun and talking smack.” Todd pimped the site saying you can get a good look at our culture by checking out Todd rules. FUCK! Sometimes it staggers me to think how many guys in this area got fast just trying to keep up with the dude. I don’t know how fast I am but I count myself as a disciple of Todd’s. All Hail EL PRESIDENTE ! A photo shoot ensued. I’m kinda interested to see how the whole thing turns out. I have had my share of photo shoots the past year, I purposely showed up a little late to miss that show.

A dilemma: I have 2 mountain bikes, the Gay UPS Truck and Meanie Greenie. In theory they are set up exactly the same. However, each bike tends to have it’s own personality, a different feel, despite, being set up pretty much identically. My quandary is this: I use Meanie Greenie for endurance races, anything longer than 3 hours or so. The Gay UPS Truck is for shorter efforts. My last 6 hour race, I used meanie greenie, it performed excellently. Now, since that race I have been riding the Gay UPS Truck, and I feel really good on it, my timing has been great, bike feels wonderful. My question is this, do I go against my usual routine and ride the Gay UPS truck in this weekend’s endurance race because it feels so good, or do I stick to my guns, and roll out meanie greenie for this my final mountain bike race of the year? What’s your call Green or Pink ?

I find that when life seems really hard, and the negative fuckers of the world start to get you down the thought of a home grown lime, and a couple of High Lifes in the fridge helps me get through the day.